i feel like i’m onto something here guys
So You Want to Be Mentally Ill and Functional: The Series
quick someone start a blog and start taking suggestions. all mental illnesses welcome, ESpECIALLy non-anxiety type ones because I’m fully aware I have more access to advices than people with other types of disorders and illnesses who are too often flat-out consigned to “oh well you’ll never have a regular life anyway”. I want to see: job interviews with schizophrenia! studying abroad while bipolar!
let’s publish a zine! let’s get a book deal! chicken soup for the mentally ill soul! morning mentally ill talk shows with your host, anxious erica!
The problem with having social anxiety disorder is that you always think people just want you to fuck off. But then you have to tell yourself that they don’t and it’s all in your head and to just do you.
Except sometimes people really do just want you to fuck off.
oh my god this
(this is basically the short version of that MASSIVE FEELINGS DUMP POST I wrote a few weeks ago)
yup. and you can never tell when it’s real and when it’s in your head and the confusion makes you sick to your stomach and then you cry and don’t talk to any of your friends for a week because sometimes they really do just want you to fuck off and it’s probably now and better safe and by yourself forever with no social or emotional support than sorry
and you try to explain this to them and sort of apologize and then say “so if you could remember to, god this is so stupid, to validate me a little more often because I really can’t tell if you want me around or not, and reach out to me if you don’t hear from me for a few days” when you feel brave, because they can’t read your mind and you hope if they really do want you around this will help, and they still mostly forget about it all and all the anxiety comes rushing back
I spend ~75% of my time truly, honestly believing I am totally unwanted. sometimes I convince myself it’s not true and reach out to people anyways, but a lot of the time I just can’t. I just can’t do it. it takes so much energy and strength and courage and I don’t have enough.
shaking/trembling because anxiety and fighting all the shitty “you are worthless, you are annoying and do not understand social cues and you hurt people and you will never change because you’ve known all this for years and years and you still haven’t changed, you still are exactly the same” thoughts and depression and loneliness and feeling like you can’t possibly reach out to people and then trying and they aren’t there for you the way you hoped they’d be and that’s not even their fault because who gave you the right to be supported? what makes you entitled to support?
and the prez of my student group asked me to run the meeting today because she’s having “one of those days” and I know her and I know she also has stress and anxiety problems and so I agreed to do it and now I’m crying and thinking how am I gonna get out the door, but also, what happens if I stay in and just spiral worse and worse until I have another Really Bad Episode because I’ve been building up to it all week let’s be real
and I’m trying to be all “no erica, you are strong and have a good sense of right and wrong and sometimes you are funny and sometimes you protect the people you love and you can do this” and trying to remember all the stuff about “how to deal with stress” and accepting that what’s scaring you can’t be wished away, and facing it head on, and understanding its place in your life
but mostly I’m shaking and lonely
and everyone can tell, I just reek of desperation lately and it’s so fucking awful, every time someone is like “hey erica uh did you want to hang out after this? you’re more than welcome to sit around while I do my homework” I feel so ashamed and disgusted by myself that everyone feels bad and can tell I’m like this, but no one seeks me out to be with them or talk to them. when was the last time that happened?
probably because I can’t talk about anything but myself and I just babble on and on without realizing when everyone else wishes the conversation would just move on
if I just stopped leaving my apartment or inviting myself over or texting anyone, I don’t think anyone would even notice or reach out to me. I really feel like that right now. my sense of reality is getting mushy but I feel like that is really real.
The differences between panic and anxiety are best described in terms of the intensity of the symptoms and length of time the predominant symptoms occur.
During a panic attack, the symptoms are sudden and extremely intense. These symptoms usually occur “out of the blue,” peak within 10 minutes and then subside. However, some attacks may last longer or may occur in succession, making it difficult to determine when one attack ends and another begins.
According to the DSM-IV-TR, a panic attack is characterized by four or more of the following symptoms:
- palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
- trembling or shaking
- sensations of shortness of breathor smothering
- feeling of choking
- chest pain or discomfort
- nausea or abdominal distress
- feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
- feelings of unreality (derealization) or being detached from oneself (depersonalization)
- fear of losing control or going crazy
- fear of dying
- numbness or tingling sensations (paresthesias)
- chills or hot flushes
Anxiety, on the other hand, generally intensifies over a period of time and is highly correlated to excessive worry. The symptoms of anxiety are very similar to the symptoms of panic attacks and may include:
- Muscle tension
- Disturbed sleep
- Difficulty concentrating
- Increased startle response
- Increased heart rate
- Shortness of breath
While some of these symptoms are similar to many of the symptoms associated with panic attacks, they are generally less intense. Another important distinction is that, unlike a panic attack, the symptoms of anxiety may be persistent and very long lasting — days, weeks or even months.
Whether you’re dealing with panic, persistent anxiety or both, effective treatment is available.
my anxiety specialist once explained to me that another way of differentiating the two is that anxiety generally involves fears/worries about the future, while panic is characterized by intense fears in/of the present. anxiety = overwhelming worry chains of this will happen, then this, then this, then that, and then I will die and there is no way for me to prevent any of this. panic = OKMGHJKDFSGHSIF JESUS CHRIST SAVE US ALL
clenching my jaw
all the damn time with the jaw clenching. when did this start?
soon I’m going to have weird super buff jaw muscles to go with my super-defined traps (which I grew through anxiety and anxiety alone) and permanent frowny-forehead wrinkles.
I had yet another panic attack dream last night. Amongst many other weird, weird things (oh, psych meds, making me dream about things like accidentally finding myself in a chem lab and being tasked with wearing a gas mask and washing dishes with hydrochloric acid)
I just typed this whole mundane dream but the long and short of it is: it ended with my family driving away while I knelt in a gutter, hyperventilating and retching on my own fear. then I woke up and continued hyperventilating and retching on my own fear. it was great.
- Google how to ease panic type symptoms.
- Click first link that looks like it doesn’t lead to a online store selling useless workbooks.
- Find a helpful list of things to do! Like this one:
gpo therapy advice I have seriously been given
the number of times this week I’ve been working with a health care professional who KNOWS I’m diagnosed Anxiety Disorder has said, “just don’t worry about it,” and I have had to be like, “do you not understand what that diagnosis means”