this is so fun it’s almost as fun as the time I had to block someone because I calmly asserted that I don’t find terms like “homophobia” ableist and they kept cussing at me and berating me for being a privileged asshole who wasn’t “phobic” (not a real thing but I do have some phobias) and didn’t know what she was talking about
(but not quite because at least this is civil and that was a nightmare from fucking hell)
basically, why is there a sense among mentally ill&aware folks that we all have to agree about what is and is not ableist/fucked up/whatever, or else you are a privileged asshole!!!! ? because I don’t understand it
we need to stop treating each other the way we treat never-been-depressed-or-mentally-ill privileged folks who butt into our spaces and conversations. me (and others, for what it’s worth) disagreeing with someone and then being told “get out of this space, you don’t know what you’re talking about” is such a huge and recurring problem that I don’t even know what to say except “seriously, stop”
if someone believes that all depressed people have the same experience, putting the blame for that on depressed people for talking about their own experiences instead of on the ignorance and ableism of our society is seriously bullshit.
just, no no nonononono
i feel like i’m onto something here guys
So You Want to Be Mentally Ill and Functional: The Series
quick someone start a blog and start taking suggestions. all mental illnesses welcome, ESpECIALLy non-anxiety type ones because I’m fully aware I have more access to advices than people with other types of disorders and illnesses who are too often flat-out consigned to “oh well you’ll never have a regular life anyway”. I want to see: job interviews with schizophrenia! studying abroad while bipolar!
let’s publish a zine! let’s get a book deal! chicken soup for the mentally ill soul! morning mentally ill talk shows with your host, anxious erica!
mental illness, suicide thoughts
I may not know much, but I do know that getting better from severe mental illness is a full time job and the most important one you can do for yourself, and if you CAN get away from something as stressful and horrific as school while you do it, well, you know what’s best for your life better than I do but if you’re thinking you might need a break but feel to guilty to do it, uh, just do it.
if your brain is vacillating between “I need to take some time off from school to get my life together” and “getting my life together is impossible, I should just die”, please, take some time off school
The worst thing about depression, the thing I can’t bear is you lose touch with the world.
You’re afraid to interact with people, that you might come across as too needy, too desperate.
You’re afraid touch someone, afraid you’ll hug a friend too hard or stare at someone too long because you’ve been so disconnected, so lost for contact, everything needs to be re calibrated because your emotions are all over the place and you don’t know what’s like any more, to be in touch with people.
You’re afraid every move telegraphs how out of step you are because you’ve spent too long tangled up in your own head.
shaking/trembling because anxiety and fighting all the shitty “you are worthless, you are annoying and do not understand social cues and you hurt people and you will never change because you’ve known all this for years and years and you still haven’t changed, you still are exactly the same” thoughts and depression and loneliness and feeling like you can’t possibly reach out to people and then trying and they aren’t there for you the way you hoped they’d be and that’s not even their fault because who gave you the right to be supported? what makes you entitled to support?
and the prez of my student group asked me to run the meeting today because she’s having “one of those days” and I know her and I know she also has stress and anxiety problems and so I agreed to do it and now I’m crying and thinking how am I gonna get out the door, but also, what happens if I stay in and just spiral worse and worse until I have another Really Bad Episode because I’ve been building up to it all week let’s be real
and I’m trying to be all “no erica, you are strong and have a good sense of right and wrong and sometimes you are funny and sometimes you protect the people you love and you can do this” and trying to remember all the stuff about “how to deal with stress” and accepting that what’s scaring you can’t be wished away, and facing it head on, and understanding its place in your life
but mostly I’m shaking and lonely
and everyone can tell, I just reek of desperation lately and it’s so fucking awful, every time someone is like “hey erica uh did you want to hang out after this? you’re more than welcome to sit around while I do my homework” I feel so ashamed and disgusted by myself that everyone feels bad and can tell I’m like this, but no one seeks me out to be with them or talk to them. when was the last time that happened?
probably because I can’t talk about anything but myself and I just babble on and on without realizing when everyone else wishes the conversation would just move on
if I just stopped leaving my apartment or inviting myself over or texting anyone, I don’t think anyone would even notice or reach out to me. I really feel like that right now. my sense of reality is getting mushy but I feel like that is really real.
I found myself thinking of this comic the other day. My Depression Problems (TM) have been particularly, stupidly debilitating lately.
oh hello life.
and this is why i’m behind.
I have a friend who is completely unable to understand the concept of not being able to do what your brain tells you to do
He literally doesn’t understand that he has the bio-chemical pre-requisites that enable him to accomplish that sort of task, and that I do not.
He doesn’t understand it at all.
We will let you be lazy for a week.
You will wake up your first morning. If you have somewhere to go, you will lie in bed thinking, “get up…get up….get up….” as time passes. You might even start to cry when your body doesn’t obey you. Finally, you will either call in sick or you will push yourself into emergency panicked mode and move.
We will allow you though, to mostly never leave your bed. If you have to pee, we’ll let you pee three hours after you first mention your need, just for the full experience.
Food is based on how much energy it will take to both prepare and eat for the calories it’ll give you. Fully prepared meals? No way. Not unless that’s the only thing you’re going to do that day. And fruits and vegetables? Oranges are easy to eat but cost energy to peel. Pre-cut baby carrots are easy to prepare but cost too much energy to chew. Lettuce is a joke. Three granola bars can be considered a meal.
We will tantalize you with offers to beaches and parks, fairs and theaters. The places you love to go. But you can’t leave your bed, so too bad. Remember, you’re “lazy.” This is fun for you! We’ll open the window and have you see the most gorgeous day outside. But you’re “too lazy” to go out into it.
And no matter how thirsty you get, you will always be too lazy for a glass of water.
Please enjoy your stay in the “I’d love to be able to slack off too, but I can’t!” Wish Land.