shaking/trembling because anxiety and fighting all the shitty “you are worthless, you are annoying and do not understand social cues and you hurt people and you will never change because you’ve known all this for years and years and you still haven’t changed, you still are exactly the same” thoughts and depression and loneliness and feeling like you can’t possibly reach out to people and then trying and they aren’t there for you the way you hoped they’d be and that’s not even their fault because who gave you the right to be supported? what makes you entitled to support?
and the prez of my student group asked me to run the meeting today because she’s having “one of those days” and I know her and I know she also has stress and anxiety problems and so I agreed to do it and now I’m crying and thinking how am I gonna get out the door, but also, what happens if I stay in and just spiral worse and worse until I have another Really Bad Episode because I’ve been building up to it all week let’s be real
and I’m trying to be all “no erica, you are strong and have a good sense of right and wrong and sometimes you are funny and sometimes you protect the people you love and you can do this” and trying to remember all the stuff about “how to deal with stress” and accepting that what’s scaring you can’t be wished away, and facing it head on, and understanding its place in your life
but mostly I’m shaking and lonely
and everyone can tell, I just reek of desperation lately and it’s so fucking awful, every time someone is like “hey erica uh did you want to hang out after this? you’re more than welcome to sit around while I do my homework” I feel so ashamed and disgusted by myself that everyone feels bad and can tell I’m like this, but no one seeks me out to be with them or talk to them. when was the last time that happened?
probably because I can’t talk about anything but myself and I just babble on and on without realizing when everyone else wishes the conversation would just move on
if I just stopped leaving my apartment or inviting myself over or texting anyone, I don’t think anyone would even notice or reach out to me. I really feel like that right now. my sense of reality is getting mushy but I feel like that is really real.